


I Hate You, I Love You

by Born2read



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Angst, Dasey - Freeform, Drama & Romance, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, F/M, life with derek - Freeform, lwd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 08:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9984332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Born2read/pseuds/Born2read
Summary: Inspired by lyrics from a song, but not really a song-fic.She giggled as she saw Derek on the couch, arm wrapped comfortably around Nancy’s shoulders and the pair of them looked up as she and her drunken companion entered the room. It hurt, painfully so, but it was funny because suddenly she realized that her and Derek had traded places. she had become the one trading guys like books at the library while Derek had a nice date at home with his stable girlfriend.Or, the one where Casey is too blind to realize Derek feels something for her in return and so she keeps her secret bottled up until it explodes (sort of, not really) from her one night.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, those of you patiently waiting for the next chapter of "Life With Casey's Boyfriend" Or even "I Miss You So" this is what has been delaying those. But it's finished, so back to writing away on other things. Hope you enjoy.

The entire four years at university, Derek had been in a committed, monogamous relationship (technically, if you wanted to go by the “official” date it’s been closer to three and a half years, but it really started at the beginning of their time at Queens, so Casey liked to count from then). Everyone had been surprised when it had started and even more so when the relationship had lasted.

Casey had known she felt something for Derek that wasn’t “brotherly” when they first met at fifteen. It had started as animosity (bordering on loathing), moved into irritation, to a gentle annoyance, until suddenly Casey realized she was feeling  _ jealousy _ and  _ affection _ . She was jealous of the girls that held Derek’s attention, no matter the length of time, the girls he made out with, the girls he flirted with, the girls he went on dates with. She was feeling affection for… Derek. It was the first week of their senior year of high school when she realized that she no longer felt negatively toward her stepbrother (and perhaps she never really had); but those feelings, that had started as such dislike, had changed into quite the opposite and that was something she couldn’t quite figure out--it still wasn’t “brotherly” or “familial”. It was a shock to her system, to her being, when she realized that she might want to actually be _ friends _ with Derek. Then, during homeroom one day, when Derek had turned his attention from some girl he’d been talking to and caught her eye and  _ smirked _ , her heart sped up and she felt fluttering and her stomach and suddenly she knew. She had felt this feeling before (granted, never had she had such a visceral reaction before). Casey had another huge shock to her system when she realized that she was just like every other single girl at school and she had fallen for his charms: Casey  _ liked _ Derek.

As the school year progressed Derek flirted in the halls but hardly went on dates--maybe it’s the fact that he’d already dated every girl in the appropriate age rage, or maybe he’d matured enough not to go through meaningless flings--and the two of them grew closer. He would help her out sometimes and she him. They would fight--although that was nothing new, it was very  _ them _ and would always be them, no matter the nature of their relationship--and there was no longer anything malicious about it. Instead, Casey felt a spark. She would wonder if, maybe, that spark had always been there and she was just now noticing or maybe she was completely crazy and imagining it all. She wondered if he felt the flame, too, because it seemed impossible that she was the only one who could feel the tension.

With Derek, Casey felt passion; something she’d lacked with Max. 

He would push and push her and he’d always call her on her bullshit; something that hadn’t happened when she dated Sam. 

With Marti he was sweet and it was obvious that family was number one to him, even before hockey; and that was most definitely something she didn’t have with Trevor.

Her crush moved from “like-like” until one day it slipped in her mind,  _ I love him _ , and the L-word hit her like a ton of bricks, tripping over nothing as the realization hit her. She’d managed to come to terms with her little crush; it was a little understandable, it could be hidden, she could manage it. Love… love was so much bigger, more real, and terrifying… and much harder to get rid of. 

After this revelation she avoided Derek like the plague for a week and he’d actually seemed disappointed at the lack of her presence (it was probably just wishful thinking but she couldn’t control the hope that she’d read him right) and he would continue with the push-and-pull thing that had always been  _ their _ thing and he would do something so ridiculous to get her to yell at him and she would give in and break her vow of silence and… and suddenly she hated him. She hated him so much… because all she wanted to do was kiss him and tell him how much she loved him.

Apparently there really is a fine line between love and hate.

Instead of kissing, she picked fights and called him her brother, without the step, even though the word lacking the prefix made them both cringe, because eventually avoiding him was too hard and hurt too much. She would rather have him here arguing with her; no matter how painful it was that this would be as far as their relationship would go and being this close in proximity flushed with frustration, and knowing that they would never be what she wanted was better than not having him in her life at all.

Every day would end with Casey being exhausted because she (who always did and felt  _ everything _ at 110%) had never felt so much in her life and suddenly she was feeling the two strongest (and most contradictory, except kind of not) emotions she knew, love and hate, all the time with such intensity beyond anything she’d felt before, and sometimes she just wanted to run away because it had to be easier than this. But then Derek would snipe and call her princess and she’d insult his intelligence and she knew that no matter how far she went, leaving would be impossible and she would never get him out of her mind, out of her system, out of her heart.

 

\---------

 

Then they were going to university together and they were going to be living together, and again maybe it wouldn’t be the way she wanted, but he’d be there and they’d fight and he’d prank her and they’d wrestle over the remote and they’d be them and it was more than she thought she would be getting when Derek had first announced that he would be putting off school for a year to travel Europe.

Of course, a part of her (all of her), hoped that something might change between them, but she has always been a realist: it didn’t matter how much she loved Derek, he would forever see her as the clumsy, nerdy, keener, step _ sister _ and for that, for that she hated him. But they did fight over the remote and he did prank her and living with him was easy and naturally she couldn’t help but love him, just a little more.

 

\---------

 

It was the second week of classes when it happened. Suddenly the two of them had become inseparable: Derek and  _ Nancy _ . Listening, you would have thought that maybe she did get the guy, in the end, but instead it was Nancy’s name that preceded or followed Derek’s name as if they were one entity, not Casey’s. Not anymore. This scene wasn’t supposed to happen. It had suddenly become a really terrible movie except that it wasn’t (a movie, that is), it’s real life and not something she could just turn off to find something better. If her life were a story she could write, Casey would have written it so that she was with Derek, or maybe she would have never fell in love with him in the first place.

They met in class, Derek and Nancy, not at some random party starting as a hookup, oddly enough--a story that no one believed when he told it. Nancy came back to the apartment Derek shared with Casey and they didn’t sleep together, he didn’t even kiss her. Instead, they spent the entire night talking. It was harder for Casey to quell her jealousy and feelings because this girl was  _ smart _ and  _ witty _ ; she could come back at Derek with sarcasm and cheeky quip. Nancy wasn’t some vapid, unintelligent person who would be gone eventually (because, despite Derek’s claims that he didn’t care what went on in a girl’s head, the dumb ones were always gone). This hurt more, the punch to her gut was felt with a little more force, because she knew that Nancy had the potential to  _ last _ . Casey hoped that, maybe, the pair would stay just friends (Rooting for the friend zone) but then passing Derek’s room one evening she heard giggling and the door was still partially open and he was holding Nancy close, and kissing her and Casey suddenly wanted to punch something (preferably Derek or Nancy, either would do). Just like that Derek had become a one woman man, which surprised everyone because anyone who knew him thought that he’d want to play the field with all those new women to meet.

 

\---------

 

Despite Nancy’s near constant presence and the fact that it felt like Casey was suffocating when she even looked at Derek, they did become closer. No longer was she just the stepsister, now she was the best friend. When Nancy and Derek fought, Casey gave the right advice for him to make it right and she hated him a little more each time he came to her, begging her to help him make it right. Still, she loved him, so instead of giving him the wrong advice (a thought that  _ had _ crossed her mind) she helped him and she watched from the sidelines as his affection for Nancy turned into love.

Again, there was the L-word coming out of nowhere and hitting her like a ton of bricks. Casey was beginning to think she had a particular aversion to the word, particular after overhearing it being exchanged by Derek and Nancy one afternoon.

Their second semester is when Casey started going to parties, and drinking, and serial dating (she didn’t go as far as random hook-ups--at least not past making out--because she was still Casey); no one lasted longer than a week, maybe two if they were a good kisser.

There was a guy she’d been kind of seeing (and by seeing she means she’s met and made out with him at at least four other parties but hasn’t actually ever met sober) and she was bringing him home after a party; he was drunk and she was tipsy, “Why don’t we go hang out at my place?” She’d whispered and they’d stumbled through the door of her and Derek’s apartment. She giggled as she saw Derek on the couch, arm wrapped comfortably around Nancy’s shoulders and the pair of them looked up together (because they were always fucking together) as she and her drunken companion entered the room. It hurt, painfully so, but she giggled and it was  _ funny _ because suddenly she realized that her and Derek had traded places. Casey had become the one trading guys like books at the library while Derek had a  _ nice _ date at home with his _ stable _ girlfriend.

There was a flash of something in her roommate’s eyes and she so badly wanted it to be jealousy, but the part of her that was still sort-of, kind-of, sober knew that wasn’t the case. It would never be the case. “My roommate is gone for the weekend,” Her date had whispered, well tried to whisper, into her ear. She giggled again, anything to distract from the pain in her chest and her stomach and keep it from destroying her from the inside out, because,  _ god _ , it felt like she might explode from the pain of seeing Derek with someone other than her. Every. Single. Day. So she and Dillon(?) had, somewhat quietly (read: very loudly and drunkenly), made their apologies for interrupting and backed out of the apartment. They did go to Dillon’s room, but she waited in the bathroom until the alcohol had hit him (it didn’t take long, he’d had way too much to drink) and he passed out, loud snores echoing the small dorm room. Then, curling up on the bathroom floor belonging to some guy she didn’t even know, she cried.

Surprisingly it was the first time she’d ever cried over Derek, though it had been building.

The next morning when she tried sneaking back into the apartment Derek was awake, sitting rigid on the couch, “Casey,” he growled the second she was through the door. “Where have you been?”

She took a second to peer around the room in mock surprise because who was he, her mother all of a sudden? “Out.” She kicked out of her shoes and sighed, “What’s up?”

“What’s up?” He nearly exploded and she absolutely did not (totally did) feel a twinge of guilt, “You’ve been gone all freaking night with Mason,” Mason, huh. He hadn’t looked like a Mason to Casey but she’s not sure she could pick him out of a lineup sober, “and I know his reputation. Dammit, Casey, I was worried about you.” Against her will, her heart leapt at the words, but she kept her face impassive.

“Well, I’m fine, and it was my idea. I suggested to Mason that we come here.”

Derek’s face hardened further and his laugh lacked any humor, “His name is Charlie.”

“Really?” He most definitely had not looked like a Charlie. “But you said--” He didn’t let her finish.

“I was making a point,” Casey scrunched up her nose; he really had looked like a Dillon. “You don’t even know his name; this isn’t like you, Case.”

That fueled the anger and she snapped, “Yeah, well who says you even know me?” Except he did (minus the whole giant love obsession she had for him), he knew her. He couldn’t know how much she loved him and how much she hated him for it, because she was beginning to realize that  _ he _ would get his happy ending with some girl (maybe even Nancy) that wasn’t her and she was completely ruined for anyone else because they’d never be  _ him _ . Derek looked like he wanted to say more but then Nancy’s custom ringtone went off (she had a  _ custom ringtone _ which is so not  _ him _ , so who was he to say who she is or isn’t) and Nancy came first so he went and answered it while Casey sneaked off to her room.

 

\---------

 

During the summer Casey ended the serial dating because it was exhausting (she had no clue how Derek had done it all through high school) and, well not really who she is (and she hated Derek for being right about that, too). The drinking settled, some, but she still needed something to mask the pain every once in awhile.

Especially when Derek announced--he didn’t ask, he announced!--that Nancy was going to be moving in with them… in their apartment. She didn’t even get a chance to argue because Nancy (who Casey kind-of, sort-of, actually liked because she was smart and decent and got Derek to pick up his dirty clothes off the floor and she hated him for picking someone she could actually like) squealed and hugged Casey, “Isn’t it exciting?” She turned to beam at Derek and the two shared a look making Casey want to throw up.

“Thrilling,” She agreed, not even trying to mask the sarcasm because the other two would never noticed. Suddenly she was back to where she was when she’d first figured out she loved Derek; hopelessly in love and forced to share a home with him while he made out with his book (because flavor is cliché and it fits in with her earlier metaphor--obviously) of the week the only difference being that Nancy was not a library book, she was the book that Derek had bought full price and read over and over again and she was making herself nauseas. Of course she wasn’t actually forced to stay, Casey could move out and find herself a new apartment with a new roommate (which would be hard anyway since her name was on the lease, but kicking out Derek in a fit of anger would raise too many questions so that wasn’t really an option, either), or she could continue to be a masochist and stay in this apartment and see him with her every day.

She stayed.

So, Nancy was moving in and then suddenly she was coming with them every single time they went home to visit the family and Casey couldn’t escape her and, of course, everyone (including Marti) loved her while Casey sat in her chair trying to remember how to breathe and how to do it without strangling people dating her stepbrother.

 

\---------

 

Sometimes she would turn to find his eyes already on her like they might have been lingering and her damn traitorous heart would flutter and hope; and her damn, traitorous mind would begin to wonder and imagine. Then Nancy would flounce into the room and his eyes would snap to the blonde (because, of course, she's be blonde, too) and he’d catch her by the waist and they would giggle together (since when did  _ Derek _ giggle?) and it was completely disgusting--making Casey want to stick her head in a garbage disposal if only it would fit--and then she would avert her eyes because they looks they were giving one another were entirely too intimate for polite company, so she’d go to her room knowing they’d start kissing as soon as she left maybe before then if she stayed any longer. In her bedroom her heart would squeeze and she thought that maybe there was a tiny boa constrictor in her body, wrapping itself around her heart and, of course, this wasn’t possibly but she’d never really been completely rational when it came to Derek. Possibly losing her sanity wasn’t a train of thought she wanted to continue, so she wondered if maybe she couldn’t slam Nancy’s head between the door and the frame a few thousand times.

 

\---------

 

Then came the morning of their graduation and Casey and Derek had just left their parents (Nancy was with her parents so it was a rare moment getting to be alone with him) and they were headed to the little hall where they were supposed to get in their name order, but suddenly Derek was pulling her into a little alcove that once held a water fountain and they were so close together and she was thinking about their proximity and how little she’d have to move just to kiss him so she missed what he said completely and unsure of what he wanted, she had just nodded. His eyes lit up, “I knew you’d be the best one to ask, I wasn’t sure what she’d say.” He said, smiling bright, “Thanks Case, that helps a lot.”

And then her brain caught up to the conversation and she realized that Derek had asked her opinion on whether Nancy would say yes to marrying him and whether she’d like the ring that Casey now realized he was holding in front of her. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of her and she wanted to scream and cry and just hit him for being so goddamn oblivious. It wasn’t the first Derek Venturi had broken her heart but this caused pain in her chest and stomach. She refused to look up from the offensive, sparkling piece of jewelry, afraid that her eyes might betray all the anger, rage, pain, and sorrow she was feeling. “It’s beautiful, Derek, she’ll love it.” And she was a little impressed that her voice sounded so normal.

They started heading back to the room and Casey ducked into a bathroom because she couldn’t be surrounded by so many people (and because she had such amazing luck, Nancy was naturally just a few seats away from Casey) when it felt like she might literally fall apart any second. So, she missed her graduation ceremony, but it didn’t matter because they’d mail her the diploma anyway. Still, she hated Derek a lot in that moment, for making her miss it (she has always blamed everything on him, why stop now?).

Miraculously her body managed to remain whole, so she forced herself to meet up with her family at the restaurant they’d agreed ahead upon (because with that many people, the discussion needed to be had in advance) and she convinced them that the anxiety of having to walk the stage in front of that many people had gotten to her and she couldn’t do it. Well, Lizzie didn’t look convinced but Casey didn’t meet her eyes and her younger sister didn’t bring it up.

She was pushing her vegetables around on her plate when Derek announced that he was going to be proposing to Nancy that night and she was glad she hadn’t really eaten because she was fairly certain that she would have thrown up if there was anything in her stomach. She knew it was coming, but hadn’t expected it so soon.

There were congratulations and excitement from the family and no one noticed Casey staring at her ahi tuna like she held it personally responsible for all that was wrong in her life.

 

\---------

 

She rode with Derek back to their apartment where he was going to drop her off and pick up Nancy. It was silent; she was busy contemplating her own misery and Derek apparently had wedding fever so who knows what was going on in his head except now he was talking and she making her aware of  what he’d been thinking, “You want what?” She looked at him incredulously.

He was looking back, rubbing his neck and staring at her awkwardly, “I want you to be my best man… woman… person?”

And now she really hated him because how could he not see that he was slowly killing her… but how could she say no.

So, she shook her head weakly and then climbed out of the car, spending a majority of the night crying in her shower.

 

\---------

 

Then the wedding planning started and she went from watching her stepbrother fall in love with this woman to helping with the wedding planning because she was as anal as ever and Nancy had absolutely insisted that Casey would be the best wedding planner and had gone on about how excited she was to finally have, not one, but three sisters! Not for the first time Casey had considered strangling Nancy with whatever was nearest but she had smiled and nodded and managed to say all the right things because she was Casey and Casey always did The Right Thing.

The planning took nearly a year and then they were three months out and she was getting calls from Nancy daily asking for confirmations and reminders and asking for Casey to add something else to the to-do list and despite the annoyance Casey felt at the constant calls she couldn’t even be mad at Nancy because she’d managed to stay perfectly reasonable and hadn’t become a bridezilla at all even though Casey had to remind her that Derek hated the smell of roses and he hated the color pink and how about they do a baby blue instead? It turns out she really has kind of a talent for the planning and maybe she could go into event planning if her current job didn’t work out. “Speaking of Derek, have you thought about what you’re going to do for him?”

“What?” What?

“The bachelor party?” She didn’t even sound a little bit impatient. Sympathetic, even. “I know I’m throwing a lot on your plate but we both agreed one bridal party member each and you’re his so you’re kind of in charge of that part.”

“Right, the bachelor, no I don’t have a problem doing it at all.” Which was a lie, but she’d improved on her lying since high school. Obviously since no one knew about her infatuation (if only that’s all it was) with her stepbrother and maybe she should just drop the “step” because it might ease the pain a little. “I have a few things in mind, but nothing solid, yet.” She even smiled, though Nancy wasn’t there to see it.

“Great!”

So, the bachelor party came, except it was less of a party and more of him and Casey sitting around his and Nancy’s apartment (the latter spending the night with her maid-of-honor) eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching hockey. “What no strippers?” She’d asked when he told her what he wanted.

“Nah, that’s never really been my thing.” Which was true and she kind of (absolutely) loved him for that, which of course made her hate him a little bit more because the more love she felt the more hate there was, too.

He explained the rules of the game to her while they watched and she found herself enjoying spending time with just her and Derek again; it had been such a long time since it was the two of them and she felt herself relaxing caused by equal part Derek and equal part Beer.

She let her guard down.

“I can’t believe I’m getting married in three weeks.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Except where he had sounded wondering, she’d sounded bitter.

“Everything okay, Case?” It was a commercial so he’d looked from the TV to her. “I know you haven’t dated in a while,” She cringed when she thought of her last ‘date’ which consisted of another make-out with a stranger at a party when they were still in college.

“I’m fine,” she hadn’t meant to snap but he didn’t seem to take it personally, “What does my dating life have anything to do with it?”

“I’m just saying, Case, you don’t have to do all this wedding stuff if it makes you… uncomfortable.”

“Why would it make me uncomfortable?” She asked too quickly, too defensively. 

He shrugged, “Some women get lonely when it comes to weddings and they’re not with anyone… Look,” he sounded a little embarrassed,  “it wasn’t my idea, my dad said something about it.”

“Oh.”

They sat in silence again before he asked, “Does it?”

“Does it what?” Why did he have to push?

“Does it make you uncomfortable?” She was suddenly wondering if maybe she wasn’t so great at lying after all and she’d just gotten better at hiding her feelings and Derek, the one person she could count on to call bullshit, hadn’t been paying enough attention to notice except no there were no distractions.

“No.”

Derek said nothing and she shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and suddenly she realized that she may never be alone with him again and this secret that had been weighing on her for nearly six years and she felt like it was constantly crushing her, so much so that she was surprised she hadn’t been flattened out into a Casey pancake. “I love you.” It slipped; she hadn’t intended to say it, not consciously at least, but there it was.

Her words came out as nothing more than a whisper which surprised her because a secret this big, this wrong, this painful… she thought saying it out loud would have been… more. “What?” he was whispering, too, and the game had come back on and he wasn’t even looking at it.

It was out there now, and she couldn’t force the words back into her. “I love you,” She told him, more firmly. “I’m in love with you; I’ve known that since I was seventeen.” She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t move, she felt like every inch of her that touched the couch was suddenly glued to it.

“Casey,” he growled.

She could feel the tears stinging her eyes but couldn’t even move to wipe them away and she was mad because she’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry over him anymore. “I know I shouldn’t have said anything, I’ve just been keeping it in for so long, I’ve had too much too drink,” Two beers, she’d had two. Enough to get relaxed, not even tipsy, “I don’t even know why I said it, well I do know why. It was killing me inside, piece by piece… but I won’t say it, never again, I promise, Derek. After the wedding is over you’ll never have to see me again, I’ll be smiling and so happy for you on your wedding day, because I want you to be happy, I do. I’m so sorry. I promise, I won’t ruin anything.” She’d rambled all of this out in one breath and she had to stop to take in another deep breath so she could continue to apologize and assure him that it could be forgotten.

“Casey,” he said again, and suddenly he was in front of her, grabbing her wringing hands in his. Voice gruff, but gentle, he said her name again and her eyes spilled over with tears (her promise not to cry was never going to last, anyway). She looked up and met his eyes, surprisingly filled with tears as well. She’d disgusted him to the point of tears except abruptly his lips were on hers and he was kissing her. Derek was kissing her. They were kissing!

The spark she’d always felt ignited, white hot, and she was grabbing him, holding him there, so she could kiss him and kiss him. They were running out of air but she didn’t want to stop kissing him because it felt like he was kissing the air back into her lungs  and she could really, finally, breathe. He pulled away kissing her neck and her cheeks while they bought tried to breathe again, “I’ve wanted,” he told her between kisses, “you,” the kisses trailed the length of her jaw, down her neck, “since I first met you.” And she honestly could have sobbed with joy.

Her eyes opened, wanting to remember this moment in perfect clarity, but then they fell on a picture of Nancy, arms wrapped around Derek’s waist, and the pair were looking at each other with such devotion. She felt like a bucket of ice had been poured over her. Shoving him away and ignoring the hurt in his eyes she focused instead on the picture. “Nancy,” she choked out and when Casey looked up she could see that same cold sweeping feeling hit him, too. “I should go,” she said when he hadn’t said anything. He still didn’t say anything so she got up, grabbed her purse and jacket, and ran out of the apartment. 

She managed to drive to a gas station before she started crying and this time it wouldn’t stop, her whole body was shaking with the sobs. She couldn’t breathe again, she kept trying to suck in deep lungfuls of air but it wasn’t enough and she grabbed her phone and dialed a number she hadn’t used in a few years.

“Emily speaking,” her high school best friend answered. Casey couldn’t talk and she’d stopped breathing for a second so her crying was silent until she her body decided it needed air and she inhaled making an awful sucking sound when it was coupled with her sobs. “Hello?” The other woman tried again and then either recognizing the number or the crying, “Casey?”

Casey managed to make some kind of affirmative sound and she could hear the worry in her friend’s voice, “Where are you?” And Casey was so grateful that there was no lecture for not  keeping in touch very well and that Emily hadn’t hung up that she cried even harder. She managed to get out the word ‘text’ and hung up so she could send the intersection to Emily.

 

\---------

 

Thirty minutes later when Emily showed up, she didn’t hesitate in climbing into the passenger seat of Casey’s car and holding her tight while Casey cried herself to near exhaustion and probably dehydration. Emily waited, rather patiently, until the tears and the sobs had subsided before ushering Casey to her own car and taking her to the apartment she shared with Sheldon. Casey tried to apologize when she saw he was on his way out because of her, but he’d held up his hands in mock surrender, “No need to apologize for a crisis,” and he headed out the door to give the two women some privacy. Not before exchanging a look with his longtime girlfriend and Casey found herself on the outside of another intimate moment as she turned her head to intake the surroundings to give them some privacy.

The second the door shut, the whole story came pouring out and by the time she got to the point of the kiss she was crying again. Emily hadn’t interrupted very much except to try and clarify a thing or two and Casey found she did feel a little better for getting it off her chest. “I’m sorry we don’t talk more,” she sniffled.

“It’s okay, Case. You got busy, I got busy…” she shrugged, “And I didn’t put forth much effort, either.” They hugged and then they talked about anything but Derek until Casey couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer. Emily made a little bed on the couch and forced Casey to take some ibuprofen and drink a ton of water before letting her sleep.

 

\---------

 

It was a restless sleep and when she woke early the next morning she felt more tired than when she’d gone to bed. Emily was still asleep so Casey left her a note promising to call more and she called a cab to take her to her car. Derek had called thirty-seven times and that made her want to cry some more, but she kept it together. Except, when she was walking up to her apartment and she saw a head of shaggy red hair slumped in front of the door, fast asleep; she wanted to run.

The sound of her keys woke him, though, and he jumped looked around and spotted his stepsister scrambling off the ground, “Case.” His voice sounded rough, dry. She shook her head, repeatedly, taking a step back for every step he took in her direction. “You’re engaged,” she reminded him.

He palmed at his face looking like he slept about as well as her, “I love you.” he stated simply, only it wasn’t that simple because she’d been planning his wedding for nearly a year.

“I hate you,” and it wasn’t quite a lie but it wasn’t the truth but it didn’t really matter because he didn’t believe her anyway.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he pleaded, and she saw he was hurting too because they could have been together if one of them had just spoken up.

“I didn’t think you felt the same. The stigma, we lived together, it would have been awkward if things hadn’t worked out. Then we were in college and then came Nancy and you were happy and I wasn’t going to mess that up for you.” She felt sick with shame saying her name because kissing another woman’s fiancé is not The Right Thing. “Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t think you’d reciprocate… and then there was Nancy.” They stared at each other and Casey realized they were having this very personal conversation in the hallway of her apartment building but she couldn’t go inside, either.

“Why couldn’t you  _ see _ .” And she wanted to cry again, “You were so, so fucking happy together, you could hardly tear your eyes from her, you were so disgustingly cute. And then you brought her to live with us and it killed me every day seeing you together and you couldn’t  _ see _ that I was in pain.” She could place the blame, too.

“If I looked from her, I’d be looking at you and that was too painful and you seemed so agreeable about us being together,” He looked frustrated but he’d never been good with talking about his feeling, “I never thought you felt otherwise… and I put everything I could into my relationship with Nancy, to get over you, and then I’d find myself wanting to nut punch any guy I saw you with.”

She snorted, “how do you think it was living with the two of you?” She toyed with her keys and studied the carpet, noticing for the first time how dirty it was, “Do you love her?”

“Yes.” She knew the answer but still it killed a part of her, “But not like she should be loved, I’ve never been  _ in love _ with her, hard as I tried. I could never really, truly love anyone  because it’s always you, Casey, it’s always been you.”

“Why did you propose to her?”

“Because I thought it was…” he looked properly embarrassed, “I guess, I was settling, which isn’t fair to her or myself and if I couldn’t have you… and she’s amazing, and I didn’t think I could find any better... I thought I could make myself love her more…” it was terrible but she could kind of understand because it would be her life, one day, pretending to love another man enough when it would always fall just a little short.

“Nancy is a wonderful person.”

“She deserves so much better.” He sighed. It was true, she did. She deserved better than almost-but-not-quite-love, she deserved better than what Casey had done to her; it had never been her fault that she ended up where she did between two selfish stepsiblings and she certainly shouldn’t be punished for it. She certainly didn’t deserve to have her wedding canceled three weeks before it was to take place because Casey had decided to tell Derek she loved him.

“You should be with her,” Casey said, fidgeting with a hangnail so that she wouldn’t have to look at him, “Because she  _ does _ deserve better than this,” she gestured between the two of them, “You chose her, you proposed to her, so now you need to give her the wedding and the marriage and you and I will awkwardly exchange pleasantries at holidays and leave it at that so that you can focus on her and I can… focus on something else.” Her voice sounded hollow, empty.

“Case,” she refused to look up because then she’d lose her resolve and do something stupid like telling him how much she loves him… again.

She shook her head, furiously, “I will not be the other woman, Derek, don’t make me be the other woman.” Taking a steadying breath, Casey said with quiet determination, “Go,” and then she rushed to unlock the door, let herself in, and keep him out before her resolve melted away.

She spent the day crying and drinking because all she kept hearing was “I love you” and “it’s always you, Casey” in Derek’s imaginary voice and somehow knowing he reciprocated was worse; it made it harder to pretend and still they shouldn’t, couldn’t be together. Sometimes she told the voice she loved it back and sometimes she yelled at it for ever existing in her life because she was certain had she never met him that she would have never felt this much pain and hate.

Of course, she would have never felt this much love, either. So, then she’d apologize and go back to telling it how much she loved Derek.

He called, a few times, but she ignored it and instead reenacted the scene from  _ P.S. I Love You _ when Holly is reenacting (Hah! And that’s funny since that’s what she’s doing) the guy singing on TV in nothing but her dead husband’s oversized shirt, boxers, suspenders, and socks. But of course she doesn’t have any of Derek’s clothes and she doesn’t have suspenders and she’ll probably never have a husband to steal shirts from so she gives up halfway and cries some more, instead.

 

\---------

 

Monday comes and she allows herself  the day off, her first, to recoup from her hangover and the painful memories of the weekend. Tuesday will come and she’ll get dressed, brush her hair, put on makeup, and smile at everyone because she can’t live life this way forever; she needs to be responsible, she needs to move on, and she’s Casey and she always has to do The Right Thing.

 

\---------

 

As the wedding approaches, so do the frequency of Nancy’s calls and Casey, ridden with guilt, can’t find it in herself to be annoyed and instead intends to make this the most perfect wedding ever because she won’t ever get it, and then she’s reminding Nancy that Derek hates the smell of roses and so, no, she can’t change the flowers which is why there weren’t roses to begin with. Then she’s just mad all over again because she’s done everything to make this wedding perfect for Derek as well and it just shows her how much Nancy doesn’t even know him.

She does spend time with Emily, though, which is nice but the one time she hung out with her in her apartment, Sheldon was there, and it was obvious how much in love they were that it hurt and Casey feigned a headache to leave. After that, she always invited Emily over and she thinks that maybe Emily gets why because she doesn’t suggest having Casey back at her place, either.

A week before the wedding and Nancy is calling Casey crying because she and Derek just had a huge fight and had yelled at Nancy, “Well, what if I don’t even want to marry you.” and had stormed out and when he came back last night he was drunk and passed out on the couch without ever coming to talk to her. He was gone when she got up for work, “What if he doesn’t want to marry me?” She sobbed  and Casey felt happy and angry and guilty. And pain, she was always feeling pain.

“Of course he wants to marry you. He’s a guy, they get cold feet.”

“I don’t know, Case, I’ve never seen him like this before. Can you please talk to him?”

“Nancy, I don’t…”

“Casey, please, if it’s cold feet talking to me isn’t going to fix it, he needs outside perspective. We haven’t had sex in over two weeks.” Which was certainly too much information for Casey so she quickly agreed to talk to Derek so that she could get off the phone and when she did hang up she thought maybe if she just murdered him, everything might be better.

 

\---------

 

Since Derek was in the process of screwing up his life for something that could never happen Casey was having to leave work during her lunch period to go and save his marriage. It was justice, she supposed.

At first he didn’t seem to thrilled to find her standing on the other side of his apartment door when he opened it but then he smiled a crooked smile at her and she realized he was just grumpy at having been woken up, “Casey.” He beamed.

Her heart flipped in her chest as she took in his always messy reddish-brown hair and half-lidded eyes, still heavy with sleep. Then she remembered why they were heavy with sleep instead of wide awake and at work and she felt angry again. “Don’t you Casey me and don’t even think about smiling at me like that.”

Derek just raised a brow and stepped aside to let her in. She shook her head because being in his apartment with no supervision was not a great idea, considering what happened last time. Derek sighed and she continued with her rant, “What do you mean telling Nancy what if you don’t want to marry her?” She snapped. He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off, “You can’t just go and say something like that to her when you’re going to be married in ONE week.”

“Casey,” he cut her off this time, sounding a bit angry as well, “I love you.”

“Stop saying that!” Maybe she should have gone inside because her voice kept rising and she was standing in the hallway and all she imagined was nosy neighbors pressing their eye to the peep hole to watch the drama unfold. Then again, most of his neighbors were probably at work.

“No, I won’t stop saying it.” He took a step closer, catching her hand in his before she could step away. “I won’t. I have loved you for so long and I never thought you would return it…” His free hand ran through the tangles in his hair as he tried to catch her eye. “Casey, I love you.”

This man was intent on making her cry, it felt like. “I love you, too.” she whispered back and his face lit up and it hurt to have to continue, to have to explain. “But we can’t do this.” She yanked her hand out of his and narrowed her eyes.

“Why not?” He snapped. “It’s not illegal… it’s just a damn piece of paper, Case.”

“I know it’s not.” It was her turn to be exasperated. Of course she knew it wasn’t illegal, she’d researched it extensively which is also how she knew, “It’s still such a huge stigma. Our family and friends might shun us, not to mention you can’t leave Nancy now.”

“Casey, I--”

“No, Derek. You love her, I know you do. You might not think that it is enough, but you do love her… you would not have been able to go on this long if you didn’t feel something for her. So you march your ass over to her office and you  _ apologize _ for being such an idiot and demand that she forgive you so you two can get married and live happily ever after.” With that said, she turned on her heel and marched off because if she stayed any longer he might talk her into doing what she wanted, and if she stayed any longer she would definitely start crying.

She realized as she was driving back to work that she probably should have stayed to see if she got through to him but she received a call from Nancy a few hours later sounding absolutely ecstatic because Derek had come, bearing flowers, and apologized, “He said he was just nervous. Oh, Case, thank you so much.” and Casey felt guilty accepting the apology when this whole mess was her fault to begin with.

 

\---------

 

The day of the wedding Casey felt she kept it all together pretty well. The wedding was, of course, perfect and went off without a hitch. She teared up during the vows, but that was natural for her at a wedding so no one would see that as a cause for concern. And since she was part of the groom’s wedding party, she stood behind him during this part so she didn’t have to avoid his eyes or meet them and be tempted to object to this marriage. No, standing behind him she could pretend that he was someone else.

Prior to the ceremony she had to help Derek get ready which included buttoning the cuffs of his sleeves and helping him tie his tie properly because, “You’re just making a mess of it.” It was tense and awkward and they didn’t say much else.

The reception was easier because she could visit with her family or mutual friends of hers and Derek’s and she didn’t really have to engage with him or Nancy much because they were each busy with their newlywed duties of thanking everyone for coming. So, yeah, the reception was easier until it wasn’t, because at one point in the evening she was required to give a toast.

“Hi,” she said nervously into the microphone (why did there have to be a microphone?), “So, I have known Derek since I was fifteen and if I had been told at that age that he would be getting married not long after college and be the first of our mutual friends to do so, I would have laughed.” There were some chuckles in the audience. “It’s funny, to me, to stand here today because in the beginning Derek and I never got along.” She met his eyes and he looked at her with a sad smile. “But we found a pretty good balance between the two of us, learning to balance out the other and eventually we became friends. By the time that we ended up in college we were good friends, and we shared an apartment. So, when he brought Nancy home the first day that he met her and as I got to know her I realized he’s found a very kind, very sweet, very smart woman and I was happy for him because that’s what he needed. I watched them become fast friends and I watched as their relationship blossomed and they fell in love.” Her eyes watered a little at the memory and she blinked away the unshed tears. “I could not ask for a better woman for my stepbrother and I can rest easy knowing he’s found someone who can actually get him to pick up his laundry, but really these two compliment each other and all I want, for the both of them, is the utmost happiness.” She raised her glass and avoided meeting Derek’s eyes again, “To Derek and Nancy.” and the toast was mimicked, glasses clinking.

She didn’t get a chance to talk with Derek again and then the newlywed couple was gone and the love of her life was married to another woman.

 

\---------

The first Thanksgiving after the wedding was… awkward. She was the one to open the door when Derek arrived, Nancy not far behind him. She gave a wave, he went in for a hug; then he pulled away to just nod and  _ she _ went in for a hug and then they pulled away, mumbled a quick hello and moved on, quickly. At one point there were alone in the kitchen and neither could move. Derek had turned to leave the kitchen, another roll in his hand and Casey had entered the kitchen carrying a stack of dirty dishes. “Sorry, I…” she started at the same time as he mumbled something around a mouthful of bread.

She felt her heart clench.

The two of them sat at opposite ends of whatever room they were in and, as a rule, generally didn’t address one another unless absolutely necessary. Lizzie tried asking Casey about it because before the wedding her and Derek had been close friends and before that they were always at each other’s throats. This was uncharted territory for their family. Casey had only smiled at her sister and shook her head, “You know what it’s like with us.” Then she quickly found an excuse to leave her sister’s presence. Lizzie  _ did _ know what it was like for Casey and Derek and it had never been this.

By Halloween Casey had found out from her mom that Derek and Nancy were trying for a baby, “I’m going to be a grandma,” She’d trilled and Casey had tried to be happy for her mom, but lately pretending to be happy for her family was getting harder… When Christmas rolled around she made an excuse not to go, just as she’d been every other time her mom had begged her for a visit.

Casey avoided coming home for two years; she still saw her family, because they came to visit her, but when it came to holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, she always seemed to be busy with work or something else… too busy to come home. She did go to Lizzie’s birthday, the second year, only because she’d called her sister out and had informed her that Derek wasn’t going to be there. She tried to explain that she wasn’t avoiding her stepbrother, but nonetheless it was the only time she showed up.

She sent Derek and Nancy gifts on their birthdays and their anniversary and she received their Christmas cards each year (Nancy’s idea, no doubt). She even kept the cards, although she never opened them. Casey did manage to keep in better touch with Emily, though, and was the Maid of Honor at her and Sheldon’s wedding (where she managed to avoid Derek completely). Talking with her mom and George, or Lizzie, Edwin, or Marti, Casey was vaguely aware of what was going on in Derek’s life. They were still trying for a baby, it seemed that Nancy was having trouble conceiving, according to Marti. Edwin told her that they were having some ‘marital troubles’ do their inability to conceive. Her mom and George told her about how he’d received two promotions in the past year and how the couple had just bought a new house. As another few years went by, Lizzie was the one to inform her that Nancy was pregnant! She was also the one to share the news with Casey (who had never got around to properly congratulating the couple, because she never talked to them anyway and she couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t be… weird) that Nancy had miscarried.

Casey nearly laughed out loud when she heard that they were going to couples counseling. Not, because it was funny but more so the idea of Derek willingly going to counseling was not something she’d ever pictured happening.

At some point she started dating a guy and, to be perfectly honest, she’s not quite sure how it happened. One day they were friends and then they were going to dinner and movies and then they were in Casey’s bedroom and she never really figured out what signs had encouraged that particular action, but it had happened. Mason (the irony is not lost on her) is a decent enough guy, he had a stable job, she was lonely and he made her laugh, so she’d stayed. Then they were moving in together, again she’s not sure how or when she agreed to that, but apparently she had and they were looking for apartments together.

After seven years of dating Mason still hadn’t met her family, not for lack of trying on his or her mother’s part… it just never lined up. Derek (who had weekly dinners with the family, Nancy in tow), according to Marti, was convinced he didn’t exist

“You know I hate surprises,” she grumbled as Mason, grinning widely, tossed their bags into the back of his car.

“You’ll love this one!” He declared as he led her to the passenger seat. He had seemed excited so she had swallowed her doubt and gave him a weak smile. She should have stayed awake during the drive because then she realized where they were heading sooner.

“Merry Christmas!” Mason announced as they pulled up into her parent’s driveway.

“Mason,” she groaned, but he cut her off before she could grump at him.

“You’re always saying how much you miss everyone, I thought you could take a break from work, my moms are away on a cruise this year so we have no obligation to visit with them…”

“How did you even know how to get here?”

“I called Nora. She seems nice.”

“You called my mom?” And the way she stomped her foot made her feel sixteen not thirty-six.

“Casey, Casey is that you?” A dramatic voice sounded behind her and she turned, not realizing that a car had pulled up next to her. “Am I dying, has your ghost come to take me away into the light?” Her heart stopped at the smirk that greeted her, “Is it really you? Am I hallucinating?”

Then, feeling even more childlike Casey growled, “Der _ ek _ .” Nearly fifteen years had passed but saying his name like that, perfectly broken in half full of frustration and amusement, she was taken back to when they’d been closer.

He laughed and she narrowed her eyes even though that laugh cut into her heart like a knife, “Come on, Princess, you can’t expect to be gone that long and not to get a lot of shit for it.” The affection she found in his eyes was going to drive her crazy but she was saved because the passenger side door opened and Nancy came around the vehicle, “Nance, look who it is?” He seemed delighted while his wife did not.

“Hey, Case,” She managed a smile for her old friend before shooting a glare back at her husband. It was obvious that the two had been arguing so Casey turned back to Mason (whom she’d momentarily forgotten about) to lead him inside.

“Who’s that?” Mason asked, excited to be meeting someone from her family.

“Derek, my stepbrother… and his wife, Nancy.”

“I thought Edwin was your stepbrother.” Casey cringed and she could feel, rather than see, Derek stiffening behind her.

“He’s the other one, closer to my age.” She hurried over to where her boyfriend was standing and grabbed him by the arm, “I’ll introduce you later, I think they’re not done talking.” It had never really occurred to her, consciously, that she stopped mentioning Derek. Sure, she heard all about what was going on with him from her family but outside of that she never mentioned his name and it wasn’t until now that she realized that she never even mentioned Derek to her boyfriend.

Yeah, she was a pretty shitty girlfriend all around.

 

\---------

 

Once inside the two of them were engulfed in hugs and kisses and questions. She was quickly introduced to Lizzie’s boyfriend who was here for the first time (but they’d only been together a little over two years at this point) and Marti went on about the woman that she was dating then Casey’s mom was there hugging Casey so tight she thought she might pass out but then Mason, who was looking a little overwhelmed at the amount of people, was next and he looked over at Casey as if to say, “Told you so.”

She was about to say something about Derek and Nancy being outside to get some of the attention off of her and Mason when the couple came in behind them and she saw Lizzie and Edwin exchange money (Lizzie looked a little smug, so she guessed that her sister had won whatever bet they had placed and, really, some things never change) and she wondered if it was a habit of theirs to come over mid-argument and have to finish it outside.

Dinner was awkward, for Casey at least, Derek alternated between glaring daggers at Mason (who either didn’t notice or happily ignored it) and trying to catch Casey’s eye. She spent dinner ignoring Derek and trying to participate just enough that no one paid her too much attention. The one time he did manage succeeding in meeting Casey’s eyes, the smile that Derek gave her was genuine and she realized how much she had missed him which set her back several years on her progress. Mason seemed to be having a blast; he was an only child so, for him, this was unusual but he enjoyed it and Casey had to really wonder how long Mason had been talking to her mom behind her back because they seemed rather chummy.

Apparently he’d been planning this trip for a while because there was already rooms assigned (Nora and George had stayed in the basement, even after the kids had moved out, so everyone was upstairs; Derek and Nancy had his old bedroom, Marti was in her old room, Lizzie and Dean were in her old bedroom, Casey and Mason went into her old bedroom, and Edwin up in the attic in his old bedroom), and their gifts to her family (her mom had given Mason a list to choose from for each person so that it could remain a surprise) had been shipped on ahead. She’d never even realized.

That night before bed there was the familiar scuffle as Edwin, Lizzie, Casey, and Derek fought for the first shower (Marti had stood aside, knowing what was coming). She heard George downstairs say something about how they were all too old to do that and Edwin mumbled something about old habits. She caught Derek’s eye and then the four of them were laughing while their significant others looked on with amusement and Marti just rolled her eyes from her doorway.

In bed that night Mason tried to ask her why she hadn’t mentioned Derek and they seemed to have an interesting sibling rivalry and was  _ that _ the reason why he didn’t even know Derek had existed until today? Casey feigned sleep to avoid the questions.

 

\---------

 

The next morning was chaotic as they all scrambled around for their presents. For about fifteen minutes it was a flurry of wrapping paper, squeals, hugs, and some whoops of excitement. Throughout it all, though, she was hyper aware of Derek's presence at all times; she knew when he was close to her, when he’d shifted, and when he was looking at her which was more often than what was appropriate. When it had dialed down some, all the presents unwrapped and exchanged, and everyone was examining their new things, Derek sat beside Casey, “Merry Christmas, Princess,” he whispered. 

His voice was low and sent shivers up her spine, “Merry Christmas, Derek.” She whispered back. He pressed a small box into her hand and then got up to return to his wife’s side. The spot he had vacated was quickly filled by Mason and she tucked the mystery box into one of her Christmas bags that held some sweaters.

“Hey, there’s one you didn’t open yet.” She cocked her head as he laid a long, flat, white box in her lap. It looked like the boxes that usually hold clothes so she set it aside and laid her head on her boyfriend shoulder, instead.

He was shaking a little so she sat up, “Cold?”

He shook his head and dragged the box back into her lap, “Open it?” She smiled warmly at him, realizing; he was nervous about his gift and that was kind of adorable. So, she opened the box to find a sweater she’d been eyeing for a few months now. She gathered it up in her arms, feeling the soft wool, and out dropped a little ring sized jewelry box. When she looked back up at Mason he had slid off the couch onto one knee.

“I love you,” Distantly she was aware of a camera clicking coming from somewhere in her mother’s direction--she’d known, “I loved you long before we were anything more than friends and I am confident that I will love you until the day I die. Casey McDonald, will you do me the great honor of marrying me?”

Casey froze.

Seven years together and it had never once crossed her mind that this was ever going to happen. Seven years together and they had never once discussed marriage or any commitment of that level. It was really a surprise to most that she’d never pushed for a wedding or a ring or anything of the type, but she’d never been concerned with it (no one needed to know the reason why), saying only that she’d grown up and realized that there were more important things.

She didn’t even mean to, but her eyes had flicked upward of their own accord, finding Derek already looking at her. He looked mad, jealous even, which wasn’t fair because he was married and had been for nearly fifteen years; doesn’t she deserve to be happy? But then she looked back down at her boyfriend, anxiously waiting her reply, and realized the reason she’d never bothered discussing marriage.

Casey had grown comfortable with Mason, he was there and convenient and she needed the distraction, the feeling of love, but he was not permanent for her; there was only one person who could ever fill that need and even though she’d told him to do it, she couldn’t let herself settle into an almost enough. She would rather be alone and pining after someone else than be pining and have the guilt eat up at her because she’d dedicated her life and heart to someone else. She’d been completely unfair to herself and, more importantly, to Mason.

This epiphany only took a couple of seconds to process and it looked like she was just in shock, which she kind of was, but Mason was looking at her expectantly and she could feel so many pairs of eyes on her that she just got up and ran out of the house… socks, pajamas, and all.

She couldn’t exactly go anywhere dressed as she was in the snow and she couldn’t go back inside either so she climbed into the backseat of Mason’s car and cried. She cried for herself, she cried for Mason, and she continued to cry without really knowing why.

When she finally went inside everyone gave her questioning looks, not even pretending to be busy with other things. She went upstairs to change and pack, Mason trailing behind her. He didn’t say anything as she began packing her bags, just followed suit understanding that staying here any longer was not the best idea.

Her mom was understandably confused when they came down to leave, giving hugs and promising to come by again.

They didn’t say anything the entire car ride home, either, except for him checking to see if she needed to use the restroom (she didn’t). Once home they both stood on opposite ends of their bed with Mason staring at her and she staring at the floor as she told Mason that she didn’t want to get married, “Okay, that’s fine. You’d never brought it up and I guess I just thought that everyone wanted to be married,” but not only that she didn’t think they should continue living together anymore, or seeing each other either.

He didn’t take that news as well as he had her initial refusal, “Is there someone else? Seven years, Case. Is it just the marriage thing, because really I’m okay with how things are,” and she didn’t really blame him.

She had no answers for him, either, “No, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Right, it’s not me, it’s you.”

She shrugged one shoulder because it was cliché but it was true. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.” he spat and that was around the time he stormed out of the apartment.

They both started looking at apartments the next day.

 

\---------

 

One good thing did come out of her break-up with Mason. Casey did start going home more, though she tried avoiding being there when she knew he was coming over, except for holidays. Her family had started giving her funny looks in the year that passed after her breakup, but they would all deny it when she would ask and Casey just assumed they were picturing her as a spinster and wondering why she’d let Mason go when he was just what she’d always said she wanted back in high school.

She was supposed to go to visit her family for a weekend in March but when she’d learned Derek was also staying the weekend she’d invented something up at work and canceled her original plans. It was better for her health to pine from a distance. Imagine her surprise when there was a pounding on her apartment door that Friday evening when she was originally supposed to be leaving for London only to find a very angry Derek standing on the other side. He didn’t even wait for a greeting before barging through the door, “Come on in,” she muttered, shutting it behind him.

She almost ran straight into his chest when he whirled around to face her, “You’re avoiding me.”

It wasn’t exactly funny, except for the fact that it was. So she laughed, sort of, and then rolled her eyes, “You just now figured it out?”

He shook his head, “No, you’ve been avoiding me for years but then last Christmas you were in town and since then you’ve been visiting home more often except for when you know I’m going to be there, unless it’s something major.”

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Get to the point, Derek.”

“The point is, you’re avoiding me. Just me. Why?”

She looked at him incredulously and he started back, “Are you really that dense? Did you take a hit to the head, better yet did all those hockey fights finally catch up with you?”

“I’m dense? What about you, miss can’t see past her own nose.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one asking obvious questions. You know why I’m avoiding you.”

“Nancy and I are divorced. Have been for ten months now.”

Casey opened her mouth to say something back and then what he said caught up with her, “What?”

“I wanted to tell you myself, so I asked the family not to say anything until I told you. But you have been avoiding me.”

That explained why he was so angry, “Well, how the hell was I supposed to know?” and, more importantly, “Why the hell does it matter to me?” She saw the hurt in his eyes and she wanted to take it back, to explain what she’d meant by it.

“If you’d bothered to show up instead of canceling when you knew I was coming, you would have known sooner.”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” She tried and his eyes flashed dangerously as he stalked toward her.

“I love you, Casey.”

“I hate you,” she muttered with less bite than she’d intended. He had backed her up into her door so that she was pressed flush against it.

“You might,” he agreed, “but look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me, and I’ll leave.” She couldn’t and he knew it.

“It doesn’t matter,” She tried again, “we still can’t do this.”

“Didn’t you tell me, Case, that day in my living room apartment as you rambled on after saying you loved me, that you wanted me to be happy?”

“Yes, but,” she started.

“And, what if you’re what makes me happy?” They were centimeters apart now, nearly every part of them touching and her body ached to reach forward and close the remaining distance between their lips. “I love you,” he said again.

“I hate you,” she muttered, his lips brushing against hers, “I love you.”

And then they were kissing and every part of her was alive, the fire that she’d thought had fizzled burned white hot once more and she could  _ finally _ breathe. She pressed herself closer and closer to him even though there was no longer space between the pair of them. Her legs wrapped around his waist and they wasted no time in acting upon the desires that had been with them for years.

Later, when they were laying in bed together his hand playing with her hair, the feeling of peace and contentment and the feeling of being whole was ruined by worry and she was on the verge of freaking out because this was most definitely not The Right Thing when Derek told her that he’d already told their family that he loved her and regardless of what they said, he planned on being with her.

They’d accepted it, actually more than accepted, they had anticipated it and when Derek got married to Nancy and the years went by, they thought maybe they had all just miscalculated. Apparently Edwin had been convinced that Derek would be the one to crack and say it first and Lizzie was just handing over the money when Derek confessed, slightly ashamed, that Casey had said it several years before a week before his wedding.

The way Derek told it, he could see in their eyes as that bit of information answered so many questions about the past years since his union with Nancy: the tension between them, the lack of any fighting or verbal sparring or friendship that they’d all been used to, Casey’s quasi-disappearance, and the previous Christmas with Mason. “I haven’t been this happy in a very long time, Case,” he whispered in her ear.

Casey fell asleep in pain again that night, but this time it was because she hadn’t stopped smiling.

 

\---------

 

Having already wasted several years apart, Derek wasted no time. They were married in a very small ceremony with just their family and close friends. They fought, a lot, but it was playful and light hearted and  _ them _ and Casey felt lighter than she had in years. Instead of feeling like she was slowly being crushed, she felt like she might float away instead, but that was okay, too, because Derek would be beside her all the way.

She moved closer to home in a house that she and Derek had picked out together. They had three kids, two girls and a boy and some nights Casey woke up in the morning worried that it might have been a beautiful dream until there was a small child bouncing on her bed announcing that it was time to wake up because she wanted to go and visit grandma and grandpa and then Derek arm would snake across her waist and tell her that she’d given birth to a demon spawn because only the devil would be awake that early and she would laugh and he would kiss her cheek and Casey felt whole, and happy, and her only regret was not trusting her family enough to have this life sooner.

**Author's Note:**

> Story was inspired by the song of the the same title, “I hate you, I love you” by Gnash; particularly the lyrics “I hate you, I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you. You want her, you need her. I will never be her… she’s the only thing you ever see, how is it you never notice you are killing me.”
> 
> For anyone who has read before, I did make a few edits. Nothing drastic, mostly just grammar and a few sentence changes.


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